Staff Meeting
by GeekGirlz-R-Us
Summary: When you wind up in too many staff meetings at work, stuff like this comes out. A "Pieces of the Heart" interlude.


Pieces of the Heart--Staff Meeting  
  
By S J Smith  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own nothing in regards to copyrights, characters or situations dealing with Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Angel. Those rights are held by many other people and corporations. I'm just having a bit of fun.  
  
A.N.: This takes place after "Shadows of the Dream," at least in some twisted universe I inhabit. Having sat through one too many staff meetings at my office recently, I started imagining a brainstorming session involving the characters.   
  
* * * * * *  
FADE IN:  
  
INT:MEETING ROOM, WITH LARGE WOODEN TABLE; CHAIRS STREWN AROUND IT. A BOX OF DOUGHNUTS IS PLACED ON THE CENTER OF THE TABLE ALONG WITH A POT OF WHAT IS PROBABLY COFFEE AND AN ALARMING AMOUNT OF CUPS. THE CURTAINS ARE DRAWN TIGHTLY OVER WHAT IS PROBABLY A WINDOW. AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE IS A WHITEBOARD WITH VARIOUS COLORED MARKERS AND THE REMAINS OF A 'HANGMAN' GAME.   
  
THE DOOR OPENS AND THE CAST OF "PIECES OF THE HEART" FILE IN, EACH ONE TAKING A SEAT. THOUGH THERE ARE PLENTY OF CHAIRS, BUFFY SITS ON ANGEL'S LAP. THE AUTHORS OF THE SERIES WANDER IN LAST, EACH WITH A YELLOW LEGAL PAD AND PENS. THE AUTHORS TAKE THEIR POSITIONS AT THE HEAD OF THE TABLE, AND WAIT UNTIL EVERYONE HAS GOTTEN A DOUGHNUT OR A CUP OF COFFEE, ETC.   
  
SJ  
Good morning, everyone.   
  
ALL  
(Various replies)  
  
SJ  
DM and I have asked you all here today to discuss our upcoming plans for the "Pieces of the Heart" series.   
  
DM  
We understand there've been some rumblings in the ranks so we thought we ought to get together and answer any questions you might have.  
  
FRED  
Am I going to have any more to do in the series?  
  
DM  
Probably not, SJ and I don't really like you despite what Mr. Whedon and Mr. Greenwalt say about you being an integral part of the series.  
  
WESLEY  
I say, that's harsh.  
  
FRED  
So, I can leave and get back to work on my new invention?  
  
SJ  
Well...this is a brainstorming session so you should stick around. You might have some ideas.   
  
FRED  
If I come up with some, can I be in the next story?  
  
DM:  
We'll think about it, Fred. Now, as all of you are aware, we're reaching the conclusion of the "Pieces of the Heart" series. Quite frankly, we thought you ought to be given the opportunity to offer suggestions as to what you think should happen next.   
  
CORDY  
You mean, you've hit writer's block.  
  
SJ  
We didn't say that.  
  
WESLEY  
You could do what the writers of "Angel" do when they hit a writer's block and bring out another prophecy.   
  
DM  
Not a bad idea, but a little hackneyed, Wes.  
  
CORDY  
How do you think we feel?  
  
BUFFY  
I have a question.  
  
SJ  
Shoot.  
  
BUFFY  
Is this story going to have a happy ending?  
  
DM  
Happy as in how? You get to come back home.  
  
BUFFY  
Yeah, but...this is a fan story, right?  
  
XANDER (to ANYA)  
Here we go.  
  
SJ (apprehensive)  
Yes....  
  
DM  
Why?  
  
BUFFY  
Can we do something about the curse?  
  
SPIKE  
Of all the bleeding-  
  
ANGEL  
That's so thoughtful.  
  
BUFFY AND ANGEL   
/KISS/  
  
DARLA  
I'm gonna be sick.   
  
KATE  
There's a curse?  
  
CORDY  
Where have you been? Angel, didn't you tell her about the curse?  
  
ANGEL  
Never came up.   
  
CORDY  
Obviously. I said you were a eunuch.   
  
ANGEL   
I'm not a eunuch!  
  
GUNN  
Hey, Cor, give her a break. She's not exactly a regular. Short story: Angel has sex, he loses his soul.  
  
DARLA:  
That's not exactly true, is it, lover?  
  
BUFFY  
What do you mean? What does she mean?  
  
DM  
I think we're getting off track, here.   
  
DRUSILLA  
Daddy and Grandmummy had sex. The stars told me how naughty they'd been together. And they didn't even invite me.  
  
BUFFY  
You had sex? With Darla?  
  
SPIKE  
I'd be happy to help you get back at him, pet.  
  
BUFFY  
Shut up, Spike. I'd never do that with you.  
  
SPIKE  
Right. Not all night long in a condemned building, either. Really brought down the house, don't you think?   
  
ANGEL  
Buffy, what's he talking about?  
  
BUFFY  
Nothing, Angel, I swear.  
  
XANDER  
You had sex with Spike? Can I go on the record with a big "EWW"?  
  
SPIKE  
She liked it.  
  
BUFFY  
I did not!  
  
SPIKE  
Oh, sure, spare your honey the sordid details. You liked it.  
  
ANGEL  
Spike you know, you're not a character on my series and I have no qualms with dusting you.  
  
DM  
Angel, sorry, we need him.  
  
ANGEL  
For what?  
  
TARA  
You know, I've asked that exact question over and over. B-but no one gives me an answer.   
  
ANYA  
The fans like him.  
  
WILLOW  
DM likes him.  
  
SPIKE  
So does SJ.  
  
ANGEL (hurt)  
I thought I was your favorite.  
  
SJ  
You are, Angel. It's just, well, Spike has terrific lines. And evil's fun to write.   
  
DM  
Amen.  
  
BUFFY   
Can we get back on track here?  
  
DARLA  
Yeah. I'd like to know if you're going to bring up the baby.  
  
ANGEL  
Baby? What baby?  
  
XANDER  
"What baby"?  
  
BUFFY  
He doesn't watch TV at all, Xander. Not even his own series.   
  
SPIKE  
How do you think the great poof didn't know about me shagging the Slayer?  
  
SJ  
Spike.  
  
DARLA  
Our baby, darling.   
  
ANGEL  
We're having a baby?  
  
CORDY  
A little boy.  
  
ANGEL  
A boy? I'm going to have a son?  
  
DM  
Yeah, they had to be all macho and give you a son.  
  
SJ  
Scully, too. What, can't anyone have a daughter?  
  
ANGEL  
I'm going to be a daddy?  
  
SJ (continuing)  
No, have to be boys, because everyone knows that if it's a miracle baby, it has to be a boy.   
  
DM  
Look at the producers of both shows: Men.  
  
ANGEL  
I get to have a son?  
  
BUFFY (over it)  
With Darla.  
  
ANGEL  
Yeah, but...a son!  
  
DARLA  
Hey, cheerleader, I don't survive the kid's birth. In fact, since I don't, can I go?   
  
DM, SJ, FRED  
No.  
  
DARLA (whines)  
I don't care about the cheerleader. Why do I have to stay?  
  
FRED  
If I have to, you have to.  
  
ANGEL  
I'm gonna be a father!  
  
ALL  
SHUT UP, ANGEL!  
  
SJ  
This is why I hate this season of "Angel".  
  
DM  
Yeah, he's lost his balls.  
  
SJ  
And his brains.  
  
DM  
He had brains?  
  
SJ  
Well, he was certainly more of a predator than he is now.  
  
ANGEL  
I'm sitting right here.  
  
DM  
Right. Anyway, who's going across dimensions to bring Buffy back?  
  
DAWN  
Can't we all go?  
  
SJ  
No. Do you have any idea how much that would cost?  
  
GILES  
You're doing this for free.  
  
DM  
Damn, he would bring that up.  
  
SJ  
We could quit this and work on our original stories.  
  
LINDSEY  
Not a good idea.  
  
DM  
Why?  
  
LILAH  
Contractually, you have an obligation to finish this series even if you aren't getting paid for it. The readers expect to see the series completed.  
  
DM  
I hate lawyers.  
  
SJ  
Even Lindsey?  
  
DM  
Shut up.   
  
LINDSEY (to Lilah)  
She likes me.  
  
LILAH  
She likes Spike, too. Color me unimpressed.   
  
ANGEL  
I'm going after Buffy.  
  
BUFFY  
That's so sweet! (Kisses him)  
  
SPIKE  
Me, too.   
(A beat)  
What? I'm not letting that wanker get all the glory.  
  
DAWN  
I wanna go.  
  
BUFFY  
Too dangerous.  
  
DAWN  
You never let me have any fun.  
  
DRUSILLA  
You can have tea with me, little one.  
  
DAWN  
Uh...thanks. I think.  
  
WILLOW  
I'll go. Angel and Spike will spend the whole trip arguing if there isn't someone to referee.   
  
GUNN  
You might need back up in that. I'll go too.  
  
DM  
Anyone else? Cordy? Wes? Giles?  
  
CORDY  
Do I get to be a princess again?  
  
SJ  
Doubtful.  
  
CORDY  
Home team it is.  
  
GILES  
I feel like I should go; since you brought me all the way back from England.  
  
DM  
Good point.  
  
GILES  
Besides, I've had nothing to do in this series yet. It's all Spike, Angel and Dawn.   
  
SJ  
DM has a whole novella for you, Giles. You even get sex with a woman.  
  
GILES  
Really? Oh, good show, DM.  
  
DM  
No prob. Anyone else?  
  
GILES (to Angel)  
I'll probably get more sex than you will.  
  
ANGEL  
Grrrr....  
  
XANDER  
Ixnay on the teasing the ampirevay, G-man.  
  
BUFFY  
About that curse?  
  
DM  
She's awfully single-minded, isn't she?  
  
ALL  
YES!  
  
BUFFY  
Hey! This isn't just about me; it's about Angel, too!  
  
SJ  
I'd love to help you there, Buffy, but I don't really see it happening. We are trying to play by Mr. Whedon's rules, here. There isn't any apocalypse, or the End of Days. Sorry.   
  
SPIKE (to Angel)  
Are you sure she likes you, mate?  
  
BUFFY  
How about a pissed-off Slayer and her irritated vampire lover?  
  
SJ  
Spike?  
  
ANGEL (going game face)  
Grrrr....  
  
DM  
Stop teasing the vampire, SJ.  
  
ANYA  
It's sort of like playing with cats. Until they slap you, it's fun.  
  
DM  
Okay. So we know who's going and who's staying behind. Besides loop-holing Angel's curse, anybody have anything else they want to have happen?  
  
CORDY  
I could use a manicure.  
  
SJ  
It's not in the budget. Sorry.  
  
CORDY  
What kind of business are you running here?  
  
DM  
Not for profit. Didn't you read the disclaimer?  
  
SPIKE  
Do I getta have sex with anyone?  
  
WILLOW  
There's the Bot.  
  
SPIKE  
Not funny, Red. On the telly, I get to shag the Slayer.  
  
BUFFY  
A.U., Spike. Both DM and SJ think you and I together is too creepy for words.  
  
ANGEL (to Spike)  
See? I am the favorite.  
  
SPIKE  
I think I bloody hate them both.   
  
LILAH  
Tell someone who cares. Do I get any more parts in this series?  
  
DM  
Maybe.  
  
LILAH  
Well, that's conclusive.   
  
WESLEY   
She could have sex with Spike. I'm sure they're a match made in hell.  
  
SJ  
There's a thought.   
  
LILAH  
I don't do vampires.  
  
DM  
Angel? On Wesley's desk?   
  
LILAH  
You knew about that?  
  
FRED  
Everyone knows about that.  
  
BUFFY (to Angel)  
On Wesley's desk?  
  
ANGEL  
Some old man switched bodies with me. Like Faith did to you. I promise it wasn't me.  
  
DM  
Are we done here?  
  
SJ  
Yeah.   
  
DM  
Okay, people. Thank you for coming and we'll note your suggestions. Well, maybe not the one about Angel's curse, but the others.   
  
BUFFY  
Spoilsports.  
  
SPIKE  
I don't have a curse, love.  
  
ANGEL  
You won't need one by the time I'm through with you.  
  
SJ  
Take it outside, boys, please. Not in the workplace.   
  
THE CAST SHUFFLES OUT OF THE DOOR, MUMBLING ABOUT THEIR UPCOMING ROLES IN THE SERIES. THE AUTHORS LOOK AT THE REMAINS OF THE COFFEE AND DOUGHNUTS GLANCE OVER THEIR NOTES (WHICH CONSIST OF THE WORDS, "Can we figure a way to put Angel in chains?" AND "Spike in leather, yum!") and leave the room, turning out the lights as they exit.  
  
DM (voice over)  
Who's gonna get the mess?  
  
SJ (voice over)  
Janitor.   
  
DM (voice over)  
Are we paying for a janitor?   
  
SJ (voice over)  
Shh.   
  
FADE OUT. 


End file.
